I fall. I get up...for a little.
I fall. I get up...for a bit.
e-piph-a-ny
-noun
1. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning
of something, usually initiated by some homely, simple, or commonplace occurrence
or experience.
What good are epiphanies if you don't act upon them? Come to think about it, that's most likely where my problem lies; my abilty (or inability, at that) to not follow through with what my heart desires. I start to think to myself, "Are you really that lazy CJ?" Who knows! What I do know though is that like Obama, I'm down for change. Change is what my heart desires. Not change in anybody else. Not change in the world. Not change from your pockets. You know...the real-knitty-gritty-grimey change. Alright... not the grimey change, but the legitimate change. The type of change that starts from within. From the way that I've been living it seems as though out of all the people that I've hurt in the past that I've hurt myself the most. And knowing that hurts.
Lately I've been spending a lot of my time sleeping. Before, I used to not really be sure why I slept so much. I mean after all, I'm 19 years old. I shouldn't be sleeping at 9:00 PM on a Friday night. With so much thinking time out here in LA, I think I've come to realize why I sleep so much. I sleep to push the pain away. The pattern that I grew accustom to was avoiding anything that might hurt, or anything that I didn't like. When I was awake all I could really do was think about my life, and how unsatisfied I was with it. With so much pain, anger & frustration with one's self, one can only muster himself up to do what is absolutely necessary. I ate. I slept. I awoke. The pattern of an ________. This pattern was becoming afflictive to my personality. I needed change. I thought I needed something else...something that I hadn't already concieved. And just as I was hitting rock bottom a likely hero stepped in and gave me everything I needed to change myself.
Family & friends is what I needed all along. I felt so moronic. So naive.
"These people have been here the whole time!"
I neglected my feelings towards them. I took advantage of the fact that I knew they would always be there. I believe that I was so caught up in whatever I was doing that I forgot about them. My family. My friends. My fucking family, whom had always been there, was what I forgot about? How could I do that? Either way...I realized it, and that's what's important, right?
The past 5 days have taught me more than I taught myself in 2 years, and I will nurture these lessons for as long as I live.
family&friends; it's all i need!
